In a drastic attempt at diversification the low cost airline Ryanair has taken on a multi million shipping contract with Zurich Swine, one of the largest suppliers of pork in all of Europe. When confronted with strong scepticism at such a move, Ryanair spokesperson C.A Madden said that the company was more than able to juggle such a large commitment without any expense whatsoever to the regular air flight passenger. Though this seems to many, somewhat at odds with the Ryanair’s recent and controversial introduction of the Safety Ham. Mr Madden replied that the Safety Ham is not, as it is being claimed, a cheap way of transporting meat around Europe, but on the contrary is a very sophisticated, and very necessary piece of equipment, ensuring a considerably safer journey for all involved.
Passengers boarding a Ryanair flight will, from this March, experience a radically different in-cabin experience. On ascending the portable stairs and entering the aeroplane the first noticeable alteration will be the cabin crew’s new attire, the aptly named Pork Pinafore, a full body garment, individually tailored and consisting entirely of meat. The design has met with overall encouragement, and was described by the British Society of Uniforms as ‘functional and delicious’. Once again Mr. Madden denied any accusation of foul play, stating that the move was not in any way influenced by their securing a lucrative pork shipping contract but was in fact a decision made independently by a committee of officials who felt that the staff’s previous attire had become embarrassingly antiquated, and that a bacon based uniform was a real step forward into the modern age.
Another marked difference comes with the announcement that Ryanair will be taking a veritable u-turn on its until now unfaltering no-frill policy, long gone are the days of minimal decoration inside the cabin, the simple blue and yellow fabrics, the cheap beige window facets, and flimsy plastic arm rests, are all being scrapped, their proposed replacement being an inexorable procession of pork based upholstery. Loin window shutters, luxury reclining ham seats, belly of pork cushions, are only a few of the many intended furnishings, also on the cards is a selection of meat orientated entertainment items, with toys for the children such as Spare Rib Princess, and Terrence Trotter Arctic Explorer, and most notably a rather ambitious integrated DVD/Blue-ray pig’s head player with 5.1 pork chop earphones, available to every customer. It has been rumoured that IKEA are some how involved in this gristly gentrification, rumours that have to some degree been substantiated by the sheer magnitude of flat pack pig furniture available for purchase through Ryanair’s new in-flight life style magazine, ‘pork pipe dreams’.
Finally we come to perhaps the most momentous of all changes, the notorious Safety Ham, that has purportedly already caused the deaths of twelve aeronautical engineers, a claim denied vehemently by Ryanair. In addition to the obligatory safety regulations already in place, including emergency oxygen masks, and inflatable life vests, Ryanair has made the decision to introduce one further measure, namely the Safety Ham. Critics have labelled the move a ‘powder keg’, despite this Ryanair have gone ahead with their decision, contrary to general misgivings within the public and specific concerns expressed by the FAA last November.
So, what exactly is the Safety Ham? Mr. Madden described it as:
‘…a revelation, an invention of such genius that it’s introduction will echo through the industry like a gun shot, compelling all and everyone to step up to this benchmark of innovation or else allow their dated practises to perish, along with their businesses.’
Whereas Richard Salve, chief editor of ‘Airways!’ simply branded it, ‘a mistake’.
Debate and business aside, what the Safety Ham really is, fundamentally, is a fifty plus kilogram cut of prime meat, that each passenger is given before take off, and obliged to hold in their laps for the duration of the flight.
Dr. A. Wilson, a practising Consultant, said:
‘A young child, pensioner, or even a particularly unfit or unwell adult could quite feasibly die of exhaustion subjected to such treatment, even on what is deemed to be a relatively short flight. It is incomprehensible that this will be allowed by the FAA this coming march, but ultimately the decision isn’t mine to make, so we must wait and see, yes, Ryanair could implement this monstrous Safety Ham, yes, thousands could die, and yes, pigs could fly,’