Today I made the acquaintance of a shabby but dignified gentleman whilst walking in the park. He was hopping around on the spot due to one of his legs being rather demolished. He was very insistent in explaining to me that this leg had been mutilated during the Boer war, when he had been captured and tortured by savages. He didn’t look quite old enough for this to truly be the case, but I decided to humour the poor fellow, so earnest was he in his desire to boast of his experiences. He pointed out to me his cousin, not far off, who was attempting to mount a rather bedraggled lady, who shook him off irritably. She had rather sharp features and didn’t look entirely clean. She shuffled over to me when the young man had desisted in his attempts, and asked me if I was out walking with anyone in particular. I replied that no, I always came here alone. She then asked for a bite of my sandwich, which I considered rather overstepping the boundaries of conversation between new acquaintances. However I decided to comply for the sake of politeness. This caused quite a stir, in fact, fights began to break out all around me. ‘No really’, I proclaimed, ‘you may have the whole thing if you must’ and handed out the rest of my lunch. This only seemed to make the situation worse if I am honest. But before long, the hubbub died down, and the remaining crumbs of my cheese salad on rye were gobbled up very quickly. The crowd that had gathered around me parted, to let through a hulking fellow with his chest puffed out, and a mean glint in his eye, that he trained on me sideways. He strode up to me and proclaimed in a horribly common voice:
‘I’m going to shit on you’.
‘There’s really no need for that’ I pleaded, ‘what have I done to offend you?’
‘It don’t matter. I don’t like the look of you and that’s that. I’m going to shit on your head’.
Well how frightened I felt. This enormous chap with his bulging physique had taken a dislike to me. I decided to leave the park pretty sharpish, and began to walk away, trying not to act like I was scared out of my wits. The squawking laughter of the crowd followed me, and I felt so ashamed. From above, there descended a white sticky mess that landed squarely on the top of my balding head. What a day to decide not to wear my hat, I thought.